From our journals
by XANA-Aelita forever
Summary: This is a collection of thoughts CL Characters, they vary between the entries. Underneath it all, their perspectives tell a different story- their pain and their sorrows. Moved from Diary format into their perspective for 2nd and 3rd chapters.
1. Musings

XAF- Welcome to my first fanfiction… without any collaborating, that is. This is basically journal excerpts from the characters of Code Lyoko- years after they have left Kadic. You have to guess who they are though, because I'm not putting the names of who I wrote the journal for. Some/most of the journals will be hard to discern (or you can't tell who wrote what at all), and I apologize for that, but do believe that a good challenge is necessary. Journals may or may not be written in chronological order.

CL is owned in France… and wherever it may be co-owned.

_By the way, the person is speaking to another person by __**writing to the diary as if it was**____**person**__**himself/herself.**_

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September 21, 2017

Dear Diary,

I hope you are happy- wherever you are, because I sure miss the times we used to spend together- but I don't really miss you- the person that is now the almost anti-synthesis of who you were last year. I hope you are happy wherever you are in life, because the little circle of friendship we used to be in has now split down the middle- I no longer consider you my friend.

I hate you- I utterly loathe you. I had devoted most of my time to spend time with you and actually **try **to be your friend. Now, I devote my time to try to forget your memory- to try to forget all those times we had together, and how we had weathered through each storm in life- before I finally gave into the storm and flowed with the water- breaking away. I can't, however, completely forget you, as memories keep flowing back and there are events that remind me irresistibly of the things we had dome when we were younger.

I suppose that in an aspect that you had died in some way, so that you might be reborn into another character that I did not remember in my memories- a type of monster that society had molded you into. I can't completely hate you either. Though your old self had died in some way, there might have been a shred that was spared, to give you values in your life, maybe.

I wondered why you had never really cared enough to calibrate our friendship and fix all the small, but surely growing cracks in the ring of friendship- before it totally broke apart, and you did not even realize it until you noticed that I had changed my number and contact information, and had stopped seeing you, or had stopped to chat quite as often as I had. I guess I can let you drift away, as you had done to me… oeil pour oeil- an eye for an eye. Whatever goes around comes around. Karma. History always repeats itself. Whatever you call it, it's coming back to you now to haunt you as a living memory in some way- A ghost from the past that never completely went away, even when the time for it to be dismissed came.

Who am I? I don't know the question anymore. … the mirror always lies to me, giving me a view of the twisted reality most people would chose over thinking of who they themselves are. I don't know who I am anymore… I used to know when we were friends, but I am now unguided as I careen everywhere as I fall. Who are you? That's the question I will ask. Who are you?


	2. Anger

Mini character studies, emotions embodying the CL characters, continuing the current story thing. This is one of the las- [the rest of the page is torn out]

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Emotions I- Anger

You know how it is to feel anger, correct? Even though I am virtually incapable of feeling emotions, I can still feel a sort of anger towards my foes- the children that always gets in the way of my will and of my plans. I am not supposed to feel emotions; I am just a computer program, an Artificial Intelligence, in fact. I do feel feelings, much like you do, I just am incapable of happiness and love, preferring to be angry and scheming, maybe mischievous most of the time. I spend my time developing some of the most complex plans, only for those children to ruin it. You do not know how many calculations I spend in those plans I formulate, how much time and effort is spent into it, how long I plot the death of the children so I can then wipe out humanity and cleanse the world.

You don't know how it's like to lose badly- to be humiliated by five children almost on a weekly basis while your plans and dreams go into flames time and time again. It's because you're not me- you do not know how I think, much less operate. I find humor in torturing them with all kinds of possibilities- either with William, who is now under my control, or with the lasers, letting them experience pain they would not normally feel in their world. I wait, time and time again, to try to catch them off guard, for my plans to finally work… They almost never work! It took about a year to get one small piece of information just to be free- and I had spent my processing power on a seemingly insignificant piece of data!

My anger is directed to the leader of their puny group- Jeremie Belpois. Yes, he is going to be the receiving end of my frustration when I finally have the triumph I want. Being the person that constantly thwarts my attempts by sending his other friends to the realm of Lyoko and programming programs to get in my way, he won't get off easily, especially since how he has tested my patience time and time again.

I hold grudges, like any typical human would when infuriated with a person, or a group of persons. I have no definition for the term "forgive" in my system, though I am perfectly aware of what it is. The fueling rage that pumps through my system compels me to rage against them, to make them suffer just as they had made me suffer. To rend them helpless… to make them cowering and senseless of everything else but their fear… this is my goal. My grudges are intense, a raging fire of hatred that could burn those standing in my way. My grudges are eternal, I would never forgive or forget those who had crossed my path on my way to ruling the puny planet and ridding, cleansing even, the Earth of all the human filth that inhabits it.

I never understood why they were in my way… Why are those other humans important?! Why do they have to save them, when they know they could just let the people that bother them die?! It would have made my job a lot easier, but no, they had to save their tails when they were stuck in the fire. The children make me so angry… infuriating me even to the point of nearly shutting my system down from the constant stream of information and data that threats to overload my system. I have a grudging respect for them… and that what makes me try to destroy their world everyday… to have a challenge, as all other humans are weak, even those who think they are strong because of their muscle mass.

I will never forget them, not even if my system crashes and my files are wiped clean from the computer systems that keep me running. They are blazed, imprinted even, in my memory banks, in which not even the most sophisticated virus could wipe off. My hatred is what fuels me every time the sun peeks over the Earth on this side of the world, to try to kill those who oppose me. Every new day brings me to formulate my plans, to desperately scheme and plan things out in almost every way… to try to achieve my goal of becoming what I dream to be… to be a master, no, an ultimate ruler of the world…

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And so there you have it; this is the first of many character studies. Now, due to the circumstances, I won't be able to update [rest of page is unreadable, the page showing multiple, large claw marks]


	3. Envy

Continuing from the other notes I left in the other chapter, I apologize for le- [charred ashes is what remains of the page. Imprinted on the surviving parts of the paper, in red ink, is the eye of XANA].

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Emotions II- Envy

You think I have it easy, being the daughter of the principal at school. You think I could have anything I want, with a snap of a finger I could achieve anything just by complaining to my father. I don't have it easy; in fact, everything here is difficult where I am standing. Someone told me the grass was once greener on the other side. I cannot graze to the other side, as there is always someone or something to block my path, even as I beg and plead for be on the other side and watch the sun rise and set on that side, but there is no change I will be given that soon.

Green is the color of envy, and that is how I'm feeling. That boy, Ulrich Stern, is the source of where my envy comes from, as that Ishiyama girl always steals him away from me. For me, Ulrich is the greener pasture, and to enter the greener pasture, I tried to become his friend, only for him to push me off and dismiss my concerns most of the time. I tried to be nice to him, but he ignores me, so that is why I am cruel most of the time. I am cruel because I envy everyone for having lives much simpler than mine.

They would never hope to understand what it is like to be a principal's daughter. Even though I can have basically anything with one of my whines or because of my father, I cannot have love. Nobody loves a spoiled brat, or so they say. They don't know what it's liked to be constantly picked on almost every day, just because you whine constantly when things don't go your way, or because you were having a bad day because something happened to make you angry or sad.

Nobody knows the trouble I have seen, nor have they seen my sorrows. They have not seen the path that I have taken, nor do they see my footsteps in the way to becoming better behaved to everyone around me, even with the same people who insult me. I am jealous of people for how they are able to roam just about freely, to not have as much responsibilities or higher standards because their parent or parents have a job running an organization of some sort. Bitter jealousy is what everyone feels one time or another, but I feel it a lot more, perhaps even more than the usual person feels envy in years.

I'm climbing though. I'm climbing and struggling to reach the peak, where the clouds are and where I can dream freely, and I could be me. Every person I meet are the rocks I have to scale over in order to finally reach the top. Some are boulders, and some are pebbles. Some are rocks that cannot be moved or climbed over until the edges have been smoothed out a little, until they accept me as me, and they make my climb easier and support me with their firm supporting structure.

Maybe I just got lost being someone else, trying to kill the pain of being an outsider with whatever I tried to be rid of the burning sensation of being humiliated. Please, will they for one time, let me be myself, and I will show them my heart. I will show them how I really am, how caring and kind I am deep inside. It is my inner self, the self that I try to hold back in an effort to retain my image of being a tough girl, in order to impress Ulrich. I would have to be tougher than that Ishiyama girl, even if her last name name does mean 'stone mountain'.

Would my caring side bring them out and finally relieve myself of this powerful envy that I feel for other people? It could, but I refuse to let my softer side show as long as people keep on bullying me. I did let it show in smaller increments, and slowly the envy lessened until it was lower than it usually was, and people started being kinder to me. Have they seen me for who I am on the inside, and accepted me? Did they accept me because I could easily scare other s away if I wished? No, maybe not, as they were of a kinder disposition to me. The green guard finally let me in, and let me into the greener pastures, and to the brighter future of friendship and hope, instead of the envious life I lead before. You know, I might now be so jealous of that Ishiyama girl anymore… Herve seems kind of cute when you get past the whole 'Emperor Zitface' outlook.

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I do not own Code Lyoko. This was and is before and after Echoes happened, where the group accepted Sissi into their group. This is not UxS. This is the end result of listening to "Let Me Be Myself" by 3 Doors down (the song featured in some Geico vids). I even used some of their lyrics for a little help.


	4. Fear

The first chapter in this fanfic was supposed to embody… [Brown coffee stains smudge the ink, making it unreadable except for a few words] … but then I decided to do it from their perspective. People know how much I hate writing journals.

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Emotions III- Fear

I am running. Running from what, you say? Everything; everything is what is making me run, to make me flee from the scene as I aimlessly run through the woods near Kadic Academy, not knowing where I am going. Fear is the driving force for my adrenaline at the moment, as it poured through my systems and letting only one thought into my brain, "run". Surely there wasn't much to run from, right? Wrong. I have to run from everything, from everyone, just to get away from it all.

Most people think that I hardly know fear, being in Lyoko for so long. I would have to prove them wrong. XANA is not what I am running from. Perhaps I am running from life itself, and trying to get away from the life that haunts me. I was never really afraid of the monsters XANA had sent after me, I was afraid of what would happen if I was not there to save the billions of lives that continue living in the world. I have faced every one of XANA's monsters from the Kankrelat to the Scyphozoa to the Kolossus, and I still have the support of my friends, and they have stuck together like glue, no matter the circumstances. I admire my friends for that- to forgive and forget so easily, to make up for their mistakes and actions so readily.

I continue running through the woods, and chance upon a house where my father and I had once lived- the Hermitage. It is old and decrepit now, the house looking as it is about to crumble any moment- but yet it is still there, still standing. The piano is long gone now, the wood rotted away to nothingness, but the notes are still in the air, as beautiful and haunting as I had last remembered it. I slowly pass through the partially rusted gates and enter into the place I once called home, brushing away the dust and fondly recalling the memories as they flood back into my mind, like a shadow that hides in the corner of my mind, waiting to pop out and reveal the memories I once knew. I now sit in the remains of my room, closing my eyes as the flashbacks of my former life played before my closed eyes, inside my mind. At once, I feel a pang of fear as I prepare myself to see how my life turned upside down before it even plays. As if I know at what time the memory will play out inside of my head.

There is the memory of one of my first Christmas. I see myself clutch the toy elf Mr. Puck, as I give my mother a warm hug, tightly holding on to her as if I was afraid to let her go. I was afraid to let her go; losing parents can be one of the most traumatizing things that could happen to anybody who was close to them. I did not want my mother to go, and I clung on, at the tender age of six years, embracing her with all my heart and strength, as if I knew what was going to happen in the future. I didn't know what was going to happen in the future, though. I thought my parents and I were going to live a happy life with each other as we saw each other grow older and grow wiser. Maybe if things were normal, they could have seen what I turned out to be- a young aspiring genius that is computer savvy thanks to my father.

Things were not meant to be normal, it seemed. I watched again as I played around in the snow one winter morning, rolling the soft snow into a large ball, from which I would use to make the base of the snowman I was building. My parents were watching me from a small distance, saying words of encouragement and telling me not to wander too far from them. I happily laughed a bit as the snowball grew larger due to my efforts. This scene seemed like it was out of a happy tale- but this wasn't a happy tale at all. I saw myself looking at a brown wolf that had suddenly come out of nowhere. It growled a little as it focused its golden-brown eyes at me, as I was staring at it timidly with some shock. The smaller version of me then panicked as I saw the Men in Black, people that I didn't know, but knew enough to know that they were trouble.

My mother yelled out, and my younger self turned away from the wolf that was still gazing upon myself, and cried out. I watched as my younger self ran after the black SUV in fear of what was going to happen to my mother. I heard myself as I cried out, and collapsed on the snow, whimpering at my failure to get my mother back, and then kneel on the snow in sorrow as it started snowing again, the wolf still gazing at me as the sky darkened, and the wolf slowly disappeared with the increasing volume of the falling snow.

I felt something warm, wet and salty rolling down my check, and I knew it was the tears I had cried while reliving the memory. I wiped them away on my sleeve and slowly opened my green eyes to my room, gazing at the faint pink walls littered with torn posters again. I left my room after the memories started fading away, creeping back to the back of my mind as I set out to visit the rest of the Hermitage. I didn't find much, finding faded pictures of myself, my father, and I, in any combination or order in a manila folder that appeared to be thrown to a corner of a room nearby. There was a picture of my father standing outside the metal exterior of what seemed to be a vent, which was really a passageway leading into the sewers. I placed the picture back and picked up another photo. It was a picture of my mother and my father standing outside of the cabin in their winter gear. I rubbed the photo with my thumb, wiping away the dust to see the photo better.

Sighing again, I placed the photo back with the others and rifled around in the manila folder, intending to see if there was more pictures. Instead, I found documents of Project Carthage, most of them faded away due to the ink being exposed to the sunlight for a long time. I picked up the manila folder after closing it, intending to put it neatly away. However, a buzzing in my front pocket caused me to be startled out of my focus and to react subconsciously by reaching into my jumper pocket and turning my phone on, fearing the words that were about to be said.

"Aelita, XANA has activated a tower" Jeremie said from the other side of the line. "Hurry to the factory immediately, Ulrich and Odd are in danger!"  
"Will do, Jeremie" I said as I closed the connection and brought the manila folder with me as I ran to the factory, making sure that no documents flew out as I rushed to my destination. Hopefully, it would somehow help calm the fears I held if I kept it- the fear of failing and having the world fall under XANA.

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Not much fear here, huh? Place yourself in Aelita's boots, and you'll understand what I mean.


End file.
